Log in

"I'm still the girl who tried to kill her self in Mexico." - Marissa Cooper [entries|friends|calendar]
Missus Potatohead ; aka.; not the DIVA of the O.C.

[ website | DISCLAIMER ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[22 Feb 2005|12:11pm]
[ mood | confused ]

When is a break up going to get easier? Can anybody tell me..

I don't understand any of this..

A love being confessed; a break up which is extremely hard.I don't understand this, I can't take control of my life..I need control.I need love in my life..I need ..you.

Chris is such a great friend..he's always there for me..always.Why in the world would he be in love with me..when I hurt him before, I fucked up. Not him..and still,*sighs* love is pain I suppose.

Never..ever in my wildest dreams did I think I would be caught up in such a ..love scandal type thing. Or..triangle? Who knows..I love Ben so much it hurts..he's been around for 2 days now..being there and talking to me. God..It's awkward..yet I love it. I love him and I know that..so why can't I forgive him? I want to..so badly..but my heart just won't comply with me..*sighs softly* I need to get away..relax and such..though I don't want to go..I just .. I need time. Though I don't want to wait. I'm so contradicting..I don't know what I want anymore. I'm confused, I thought Chris and I..he, gosh..he said he still cared and loved me yesterday, that cut right through me..maybe it wasn't the time..or maybe it's the perfect time..who knows. Chris is my best male friend, aside from Ben..he's always been there for me, no matter what it is. I love him so much for that.

*sighs* I'm never dramatic like I have been these past few weeks..I don't understand! I love just..being loved, held and cuddling..it's the best feeling in the world. Knowing that you are lying in somebody's arms..being held
by that one person..relaxing within their touch. It's amazing.

Hopefully soon this will be all over with..I'll be able to think of the things I did before, without having the memory of a broken relationship. I would take back everything I've ever done..to have the love I once had.

Okay, enough ranting..I'm going to go get a shower and then..who knows? Maybe I'll go back to set..though I don't want to..*laughs* I'm actually..I don't know..well, NOT in the mood to talk with Olivia or even make out..like..ugh.

Can you blame me?

post comment

[21 Feb 2005|11:49am]
[ mood | giggly ]

Friends Only
Reasons why you cannot see my journal
1. You're not a member of i_am_a_celeb
2. You are a member, but forgot to add me
3. You are a member, but I forgot to add you. Just leave me a message
4. You are a member but forgot to login. Hun that's important.

Otherwise Members only.

post comment

[18 Feb 2005|11:32am]
[ mood | hurt ]

These have been the longest 3 days of my life *sighs*

is it going to get any easier?

as my icon says.. you left me hanging


14 comments|post comment

calling it quits [17 Feb 2005|12:09am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Ben and I are done. I told him we needed a break today. If my entry is really fucked up it's because I'm drunk. Again. I don't want any fucking pity, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of getting my heart ripped out.

Ben- "..i miss you.."


I hate guys.I'm so fucking tired of them.All guys are exactly the fucking same. Except Chris; he was always so sweet and generous,a genuine man.

I hate love too. It always bites me in the ass.

I'm gonna go drink some more.


14 comments|post comment

[16 Feb 2005|08:55am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Today is the kind of day I want to curl back up in bed and sleep all day. I don't know why. It's just..once of them days? *shrugs* I'm rather hungry, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed.

I missed American Idol last night. Damnit!
I'll watch it tonight, I suppose. *laughs*

Ben & I are doing better, I think? I wish I wasn't so stubborn and I could heal faster. I'm working on it though, and I think It's paying off. I love him so much; I'm just glad that he's in my life still. I was so close to calling it all off..but then I realized..we have so much history..two years of being amazing friends..and dating for 3 months now. It's hard, but it works..trust is a key; I'm sorry mine is distorted now, I'm working on it though. Love is a key, but that's not a problem.We love each other..and I guess everything it worth the pain in the end.I've been in love only once before. That was nice, once you've been in love..you yearn for the closeness..that intimate feeling. I can honestly say, I love Ben more than anything..He's the most amazing man..yea, he has his faults, but everyone does. Nobody is perfect. He's kind & gentle..just..amazing. When I'm with him, I always want to hold him..cuddle and kiss him. I don't know, I've never been the "girly girl cuddler" type..*laughs* with him, I'm different. I love him to death. I just can't deal with the pain..but, I think he knows now..I don't give more than 2 changes..3rd strike is out. Though I love him more than anything..It's not right for me to keep taking him back, or even anybody for that matter..only to be stepped on and hurt again.

Anywho, I miss BRODY!

I am EXTREMELY thirsty. Maybe I'll make some tea? ha.

Give me a call! miss mischa x

always & forever!

post comment

[14 Feb 2005|03:07pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Yea. Another Valentines Day. I may be a pessamist about this, but..I figure it's a day like any other. *shrugs* I don't know, I don't see the glitz and glory about it. Honestly. I'm a simple girl, a punk rockin' little snoot. Well, not really a snoot..*laughs*

This year, I have Ben. Last year it was Brandon Davis. heh. I mean, it's so good to have Ben here..I'm just..I don't know. *sighs* confused? no..not confused, I guess I'm still recouping from when he lied to me about everything. I thought we were 'the model couple' as everyone puts it..but we're not, far from it..We have a lot of problems..and we usually work them out, well, He yells..I yell..I leave the house because I hate fighting. I tend to walk away and he comes after me. This time..he didn't. I guess I just hung onto the hope that he would come after me..and he didn't. That hurt..
I guess you learn from your mistakes, I did..from the last time this happened..and I thought he did, from the last time with Samaire..but Olivia? A co-worker I see everyday..That..well kinda makes me sick. I love him and I don't want to be without him. What can help me rebuilt this trust? *sighs* I want to trust him..I do, yet I'm just scared..I'm always going to have that in the back of my head.."just..what if.."

Am I wrong here? I'm trying..trying so hard that it hurts.I just want to hug him..and hold him..but I'm scared to be close to him. I'm scared because, I know he's sorry..and I see it in his eyes, yet I know..and he knows, he was with another woman..how can I be close to him?

I feel like such a hypocrit..I yearn to be with him, yet I feel like I'd be losing my self-worth. What the hell. I don't have any. Or do I? Lately, all my entries have been depressing, guess I'm just a lost girl in this huge world.

I don't want to be lost anymore, I want to be held and carressed..and cared for. I don't want to be running around in circles. I want to be content where I am in life. I'm not right now. Why? wish I knew.. *sighs* What the hell is wrong with me?

Whatever. Saint Valentine's Day is a Pagan holiday. Down with Love!

I'm gonna go to St. Jude's..whenever I feel restless, confused..or over emotional, I like to go there to visit the children. They're so vibrant and full of life. It makes me happy, to see them happy, though they are, well, sadly some are dying. Most get better, one little boy, Andrew. He's simply adorable, he's 4 years old. He's my valentine. He's the true definition of life. A vibrant child with so much to offer..in such a sick little body. Sometimes, I wish I could switch places, and let them live the life that I sometimes take for granted. I think everybody should get the chance to live like we do. Yet, we all take it for granted. You can't be picky in life, you take what you can get. Me? I'd give you the clothes off my back. I'm a giver, rather than a receiver, but that's just how I've always been. I'm a nurturing person, I love taking care of people. I just wish somebody would take care of me. Love me for me and never let me go..no matter what.

Okay..yea, bye.


8 comments|post comment

[13 Feb 2005|05:00pm]

Top Commenters on mischa_girl's LiveJournal
(Self comments excluded from rankings)
1ben_mckenzie2632 32
2xxrachelbxx23 23
3chadmurray2423 23
4ashley_angel228 8
5hilduff877 7
6ricky_ullman_7 7
7jessica_x0x5 5
8Anonymous4 4
9__clayaiken3 3
10xkirstenstorms3 3
11-41Collapse )
Total Commenters: 42 (1 not shown)
Total Comments: 264

Report generated 2/13/05 4:59:31 PM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.4

2 comments|post comment

[12 Feb 2005|09:38pm]
[ mood | okay ]

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 373 people about this game.
Chad is the one that you love.
Ben is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Rachel.
Samaire is the one who knows you very well.
Chris is your lucky star.
Bridge over troubled water is the song that matches with Chad.
Ave Maria is the song for Ben.
Tomorrow is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and This is how we do it is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz

not all true..heh
3 comments|post comment

[10 Feb 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

*takes a deep breath* I'm over Chris's he came and picked me up from home. Ben and I sort of..*sighs* I don't know. He cheated on me.. again This time with Olivia. *wipes a few tears from her face* I don't understand, what the fuck did I do to deserve this!? Before I left he kept saying how much he loved me and needed me. What bullshit, love doesn't consist of cheating. Love isn't when your partner can smell perfume of another woman. Love isn't when a person waits until later to fucking tell you what happened. I have a right to leave, ..and it's my own house. *sighs* I can't be there, I can't face him.

All I want to do is grab a bottle of vodka and sit in my room and cry.

Thank god I have Chris, he's such a good friend, always has been there for me.

I'm gonna go, I've cried too much already and I need to..I don't know,somehow get my mind away from him. *sighs*

I love you..


8 comments|post comment

[09 Feb 2005|12:36pm]
[ mood | sore ]

hey guys,it's mandee ..i'm just letting u know i won't be online for a while..i might get on every now and then..but i'm leaving school tonight until sunday night.

last night i was practicing a dance move, my foot went out from underneath me and i fell smacking my head off the tile floor, i have a very bad concussion; and a bunch of contusions all over inside the back of my head; i can't move my neck or my right arm/shoulder. it's bad.

i'm sorry..but..yea. i'll be back in a couple days.

leave me lots of messages to come back to:(


5 comments|post comment

[07 Feb 2005|12:37pm]
post comment

[31 Jan 2005|09:34am]
[ mood | moody ]

Life is so stressful sometimes. I'm on set. Sitting in my dressing room. I haven't seen Ben this morning at all, he's down the hall in his room. I need to go down and talk to Brody, we never talk anymore except during the show. Rachel is insane .. Crazy bitch came into my room screaming "It's a raining men.." Haha. I was cracking up. We always have such fun together.

Oops, I'm needed back on set. This is where I get to scream at Ben again. Earlier was the make out part, now Marissa is having another mental breakdown. Woo.

I'm still broken..

Always & Forever;
Mischa Anne

What do people really think about you?
by Raven319
favorite song
Parents thinkYou work too hard
Strangers thinkYou're hot
Friends thinkYou're wonderful
Quiz created with MemeGen!
5 comments|post comment

coming out of the darkness [26 Jan 2005|08:53pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I talked to Ben tonight..and Ashley, who's helping me a lot.

Ben accused me of being anorexic..I denied it of course..I mean, I didn't want to hurt him..*sighs* Tonight, he told me he knew..and I just had to walk away for a bit. He's so supportive over..everything. He's perfect, and I'm so fucked up. I've been struggling with this disease since I was 14. That's 6 years. Ben thinks I'm basically wilting away..I am..I mean, I'm 5'8 and I weigh 94 lbs. It's sickening but beautiful at the same time..*sighs* I don't know. I'm thinking about enrolling in a Rehab center for Eating Disorders. I was there when I was 16..and I refused the help..but I think I'm ready now..at least I hope I'm strong enough.

To all my friends, I love you all so much..and I don't want anybody feeling sorry for my fucked up self..or anything. I just want you all to know that I love you guys and girls so fucking much..and I'm sorry I'm a mess. I'm so sorry.

To Ben, my lover and my best friend..I love you so much, it kills me knowing I hurt you so much.I never wanted to lie to you..but I've been keeping this a secret for years..nobody knew except my mom and sisters. I love you..always and forever.

Mischa Anne

6 comments|post comment

[24 Jan 2005|12:42pm]
[ mood | it's my birthdayy! ]

Happy Birthday to me!

Ricky & Matt.

6 comments|post comment

[23 Jan 2005|06:10pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Tomorrow is my 19th birthday.


4 comments|post comment

[15 Jan 2005|05:09pm]
[ mood | listless ]

Yeah. What the hell.


sometimes life is just so hard..even being near the ones you love. *sighs* It's not fair. I need to relax and just take a deep breath... Ben thinks I'm sick or something..treating me like I'm broken..though I know it's only coming from his heart and caring..It's just so hard sometimes..I'm fine..or so I keep telling myself. No, I am fine. I know I am. .. I just can't help but think all I do is cause him pain. love is so hard.

ugh. #$&!

What's a girl to do ..lost inside her mind..


5 comments|post comment

[12 Jan 2005|05:04pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Where are my friends?!?

Benjamin ate a brownie from a fan ;/

now I want brownies. Oh wait. I don't eat,that's right.

3 comments|post comment

[08 Jan 2005|08:16pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

Today, I went to St. Jude's hospital and visited the children again, I love going there. It always makes me feel so great. I love just speaking with those children, knowing that they look up to me, all the times I think I'm a fuck up and such .. those kids, they have nobody and they're dying of so many different things and it's such a shame; there's this one little girl, her names Madelyn, she's 5. She's terrific. Such a sweetheart, she's recovering from cancer, I look at her and she's always full of laughs and joy, at the tender age of 5. She has no parents and the adoption agency is looking to place her. Times like this I wish I could just take children in and comfort them. I love kids. Especially children in need. I don't know..I mean, Maddie is such an amazing little girl. I hope everything goes well with her and I plan on checking up with her,since I am her sponser.

On a lighter note, I'm happy again. Things are finally settling down at home..Hania wants to come visit, but I'm going to put that on hold..for a bit. Ben and I are working on..us now, and I think it would be a horrible idea for anybody to be here now.

I'm so hungry right now, I could eat a freaking camel. haha!

all right, leave me comments... PLEASE. I lost all my friends or something..shit, Kirsten Storms..where the fuck are you bitch? You're my best friend and you like totally disapear on me!

wow, I realized..Ben & I really have become anti-social..so please call me at miss mischa x to solve that problem!

always & always;

2 comments|post comment

[06 Jan 2005|03:58pm]
[ mood | hot ]

Ben & and had an amazing trip..a few minor major set backs with a couple things.. we're great now thank the lord. crazy shit happened, we had a lot of fun though. Running through fountains. *laughs*..of course I wore my white tank top..and then Ben decided to take my shirt off, so I'm standing there holding onto the little chest I have running like crazy after him, I tried to make him carry me..he wouldn't! he made me walk back to the hotel, embarrassed like crazy. It was terrible fun though..haha. I didn't tell him that! I told him I was mad at him! *laughs*

I'm going to go help Ben, He pulled a muscle in his chest working out, poor baby. He won't get a hot bath so he's gonna sit there with the heating pad for an hour. *laughs* so stubbon, but I love him.

Call me @ miss mischa x


2 comments|post comment

[27 Dec 2004|03:43pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I could make a mental list of at least 5,000 other things I should be doing right now, but this is an addiction that I have to feed. Online life has become increasingly interesting now that I've gained or regained contact with people I never thought I would.

As for home life, it's been much more exciting with Ben around,and January 15,2005. it's off to shoot for The O.C. again and to spend my free time wisely. Brody,Rach,Ben, and I will be spending lots of time together and quite possibly in public, so expect to read the up-and-coming rumors of our four-way marriage in The National Enquirer sometime soon. If you're in the area, don't forget to get in touch. I'm not here for leisure very often, so my goal is to get in as much social activity as my shooting schedule will let me. Distractions keep me moving every day, blood is the oblivion pumping through my veins.

I think I might go paint. Yea..Paint *shrugs*

Actually, no..Ben and I are on a flight to Iceland on a vacation for a while, We'll be gone for quite some time so no little tramps can step in on our relationship and think it's okay..ya know? Yea. so not happening. *nods* Anywho, We're going to be spending time alone. Just relaxing and enjoying the time we have together.

If you must contact, you know the number.

Love you Benjamin


8 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]