Yea. Another Valentines Day. I may be a pessamist about this, but..I figure it's a day like any other. *shrugs* I don't know, I don't see the glitz and glory about it. Honestly. I'm a simple girl, a punk rockin' little snoot. Well, not really a snoot..*laughs*
This year, I have Ben. Last year it was Brandon Davis. heh. I mean, it's so good to have Ben here..I'm just..I don't know. *sighs* confused? no..not confused, I guess I'm still recouping from when he lied to me about everything. I thought we were 'the model couple' as everyone puts it..but we're not, far from it..We have a lot of problems..and we usually work them out, well, He yells..I yell..I leave the house because I hate fighting. I tend to walk away and he comes after me. This time..he didn't. I guess I just hung onto the hope that he would come after me..and he didn't. That hurt..
I guess you learn from your mistakes, I did..from the last time this happened..and I thought he did, from the last time with Samaire..but Olivia? A co-worker I see everyday..That..well kinda makes me sick. I love him and I don't want to be without him. What can help me rebuilt this trust? *sighs* I want to trust him..I do, yet I'm just scared..I'm always going to have that in the back of my head.."just..what if.."
Am I wrong here? I'm trying..trying so hard that it hurts.I just want to hug him..and hold him..but I'm scared to be close to him. I'm scared because, I know he's sorry..and I see it in his eyes, yet I know..and he knows, he was with another woman..how can I be close to him?
I feel like such a hypocrit..I yearn to be with him, yet I feel like I'd be losing my self-worth. What the hell. I don't have any. Or do I? Lately, all my entries have been depressing, guess I'm just a lost girl in this huge world.
I don't want to be lost anymore, I want to be held and carressed..and cared for. I don't want to be running around in circles. I want to be content where I am in life. I'm not right now. Why?
wish I knew.. *sighs* What the hell is wrong with me?
Whatever. Saint Valentine's Day is a Pagan holiday.
Down with Love!
I'm gonna go to St. Jude's..whenever I feel restless, confused..or over emotional, I like to go there to visit the children. They're so vibrant and full of life. It makes me happy, to see them happy, though they are, well, sadly some are dying. Most get better, one little boy, Andrew. He's simply adorable, he's 4 years old. He's my valentine. He's the true definition of life. A vibrant child with so much to offer..in such a sick little body. Sometimes, I wish I could switch places, and let them live the life that I sometimes take for granted. I think everybody should get the chance to live like we do. Yet, we all take it for granted. You can't be picky in life, you take what you can get. Me? I'd give you the clothes off my back. I'm a giver, rather than a receiver, but that's just how I've always been. I'm a nurturing person, I love taking care of people. I just wish somebody would take care of me. Love me for me and never let me go..no matter what.